One Day


I know it seems like I am stone-walling you and like I am not interested in talking to you at all. But believe me, there is nothing else I want to do more than talk to you. I have to literally force myself to believe that I am fine without you and that this life is better; rather the best I could ever have.

I don’t do this because I want to make you realize my worth, or because I want to punish you for something. No! I would never do that. Moreover, it’s me who has made all the grave mistakes. What could I possibly punish you for. If there is anyone who deserves to be punished, it’s me.

But yeah, as I was saying, it’s not because I want to do anything to hurt you. I am doing this just so I don’t have to go through anything so hurtful and damaging that I would end up deep down in the rabbit hole once again, with no sense of time, muttering to myself. I have spent years down there. It is not a good place at all. I have to stay as far away from as is possible. I need to learn to do that.

We both know, there will come a day, when you will go away and will never come back. Not because you won’t want to, but because there will be no way back to the place where I will be. One day, you will go too far away and I don’t want to be so close to you until then and just see you walk away all of a sudden. I am not so good at letting go. I have never been. You know that!

So please, just let me process. I need a lot of time to convince myself that one day I will have to see you walk away into an all new life with someone who would be actually deserving of you. Someone, who would actually love you and care for you like I never could. Or to be true, the way I never can.

You deserve a normal, happy life. And I… I am Still A Million Miles From Normal.

Categories: love, Poetry

24 replies

  1. Reading this piece, I got reminded of a time when I had a real personal growth moment – I realised that for one special person, I was willing to become better. To be the one deserving of him, to give him the love he deserves, even though I had never loved anyone like that before. I think it was a huge personal revelation for me. I am writing this because I have thought along these lines (ones you wrote) before. I think for all of us, there is that one person, and I hope you find him/her soon.
    And I hope we can get through these tough times together, wiser and healthier.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Perhaps that should have read, “at the moment, nobody feels normal so it’s completely normal not to feel normal” but that would have been a bit of a mouthful! We all go through difficult stages in our life, times when we struggle to see the road ahead, times when we are confused, perhaps self-loathing, and at those times some will feel more estranged from reality than others, for a variety of reasons. Those feelings are exacerbated by the enforced isolation, which affects us all , whether we are forced to stay at home, or unable to visit those forced to stay at home…so yes, you may feel further away from normal than most at the moment, but you should know that it won’t last, and can’t last, and by dealing with this situation, you will become stronger emotionally in the future.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Well, when I said “Still a million miles from normal”, I meant it like being a million miles from what a normal person behaves like. Obviously, you wouldn’t know what I meant because I assume you don’t have an IQ in excess of 180.

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      • Intelligence quotient is just one among a long list of factors that determine how people (regardless of whether they are “normal” or “abnormal”) will behave in any given context. So how exactly can you say your behavior is “a million miles away from normal”? Is it based on an empirical understanding of a specific context? Because if it is a general statement and not specific, perhaps it is your pain that was talking.

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  3. I am here, with you. Someone told me to blog about my daily experience. . . . never thought I would blog at all, let alone about something so personal. I feel that is why I keep it as anonymous as I can. . . and also because I wanted to see if anyone else was in the same boat I am in.

    Strength in numbers. . . Hang in there, as I am trying to as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow! I literally said that out loud. Thank you for sharing your emotions and personal experience. I love your line still a million miles away from normal. Your words seem honest and raw and I can hear your pain and what you are asking for, time to heal. I struggle with being “normal” and it has nothing to do with the pandemic. I have been weird and not normal for many years. I thought I had the normal life you speak of; 4 bedroom home, husband from high school white picket fence, literally and living in a cookie cutter development. It seemed normal and what I was suppose to do, but I was miserable. Long story short, I kept thinking why am I so miserable.? I tried to force myself to like the normal; that didn’t work.
    So now on my own, normal is whatever feels right to me. I appreciate your honesty and I wish you well as you move through this time in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

      • People are all different. With different gifts..some people need space to see. It is a gift.
        I bet there are people like you out there thinking the same thing..
        as a friend once told me..normal is a myth.

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